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May 26, 2005
lacrosse skirts
A phone call from an old friend tonight.
Yes, I'm aware that's a fragment.
Anyway. We talked for a while. She always reminds me (indirectly) that I used to be more gentle, more patient, more mindful than I am now. I've kind of devolved. In my "old" age, I've become harsh, quick to judge, and self-important. In fact, my interest in goodness (and being good) in general has waned. I'm not sure if parenthood has made me hard, or if being in school for so long has sharpened my edges. My bright idealism has left me.
I am a cynical bitch. I tell my kids, "Nothing's fair, ever," whereas I once would sit Hannah down to explain karma. When Hannah was little, she never heard me raise my voice. Now, she and the boys hear me screech on a daily basis.
I'm probably overstating the case. But the point is I'd like to get back to something that is less concerned about superfluity and more interested in things like calm, lovingkindness.
Why on earth do women's lacrosse teams wear skirts? How ridiculous.
The problem is that in calm acceptance there isn't any place for the question. If I were practicing something more mindful, I wouldn't ask about the skirts. I'd notice them, and notice my reaction, and then come up with something like "How pleasant it is that those women can choose to wear whatever they want." Or something wussy like that.
Yeah. Being calm is kind of wussy. There's something vulnerable in being placid. I found myself listening to Talk of the Nation today, where they were talking about the military and that this war on terror will have us actively engaged in some kind of defense (offense) for damn near ever. And I was thinking, "Yeah, so what? It's all we know. It's what we do. To change the rules now would be just as ruinous."
And then I'm arguing. Ahimsa. Non-violence. Remember? Don't you remember who you were? What you believed in? But wait: there's Kali, the Hindu goddess of destruction, who is also the goddess of rebirth and renewal. Violence is necessary. Violence is natural. Look, I'm arguing MORE.
Have I squelched the non-body, non-brain (here, I even avoid using the word) part of me because the academy doesn't really welcome acute discussions of ontology and morality? Or does it?
What has killed my spirit?
Posted by mryonker at May 26, 2005 11:07 PM
Comments
Why wear skirts? Well, I could go into the long history of women's field hockey,etc. But my incredibly non-PC observation has to do with the enjoyment factor for lesbian fans like me watching college lacrosse...the fabulous conjunction of skirt and muscle and sheer, stick-wielding aggression...
Posted by: susansinclair at May 27, 2005 10:27 AM
(I realize I seized on an extraneous point in your post--sorry. Here's my *real* response!)
1. You're very, very, very tired. Long-term sleep deprivation has been proved to lessen one's sense of calm. It's like the cartilidge of your soul has been removed. No cushion.
2. You're older and more experienced, and yes, this will make you more cynical. It just will.
3. None of this is irreversible. Yes, there will come a time when all three kids are in school, and you will be able to carve out 20 minutes of meditation time for yourself.
4. Aren't I an amazing optimist? But really, though I'm making all this up, I do believe it. You are a beautiful soul, and extremely resilient. And you will find that side of yourself again.
Posted by: susansinclair at May 27, 2005 10:31 AM
Makes it easier to sit with one's legs lacrossed. Not helpful?
Posted by: Keeper at May 27, 2005 11:32 AM
Dunno what's killed your spirit, but it's only playing dead. Talk to Kelly about this. Seriously. She has good antidotes. Seriously.
Posted by: senioritis at May 27, 2005 12:09 PM
I have to agree that motherhood makes one (not you or me, certainly!) cynical. After saying "No" fifteen times and then watching your child do the very thing you do not want him/her to do, it's hard to believe in the power of anything like language. But I have, lately, tried to detach myself. As in, "Is it really so terrible if he pours water all over himself?" No, I say. So then I don't care, and I feel better. I'm not sure this was the point of the book I just read (Unconditional Parenting) but it is one of the effects, and it makes me feel better.
And yes, I'm still a cynical bitch, but it's less obvious now.
Posted by: Lynn at May 27, 2005 06:13 PM